October 17, 2009

Safe. Home. But it's not only.

Surely I'm imagining, but my soul is breathing its first breath in so long. And the first throbbing pulse as it shudders into being is glorious and frightening at the same time. It’s like being shaken to the core, but in a way that shreds all the ice inside and melts it all into gleaming streams of boiling copper and gold. Burnished, liquid metal that leaps and slips through my veins, cavorting and burning away the death and decay. So much death and decay. Sometimes it's as if part of me is already in the grave, and yet now there's this burning copper, burning gold in me, and life is tingling - the first time in so long. How long; how long?

Heart, do i dare? - God, don't leave me. - Is this what they've been hiding from me? ... have i found? i daren't hope and yet i do all the same. Heart, heart, heart, Breathe. To taste life like bitter salt across my tongue . . . i want more. And yet it's more than and it's not bitter salt. There's a glorious sweetness that spreads and melts and shatters into life. A thousand flowers thrown, tossed into the wind.

Never hurt - ? there is too much sweetness to bear. Promises hard to keep. Words in the wind. And still i can't not hope. Answered and held in time against time with time. Given and taken but not burnt. Breathe. And another reverberating pound. The pain of remembering how to breathe. The pain of remembering. Remembering. Remember. Breathe. That shuddering throb - so alien. How long have i been dead?

please don't leave. please don't ever leave me here alone. please don’t ever leave me.