January '10

it’s important not to indicate. people don’t try to show their feelings, they try to hide them.
*sigh*
I’m sorry. But I don’t think this is ever going to happen.
This makes no sense, and goes against everything I’ve ever been taught.
So I can’t grasp it.
Why would we hide on of the most beautiful parts of ourselves?
Better to share it with everyone and have it shared in return.
Maybe I’m wrong and twisted inside.
Maybe it’s an abomination to show and speak these things.
Maybe, if I’m just going to continue with this I should go rot away in a hole somewhere.
Please, please shoot me, --.
Please..
Savanna, can you hear me?
Can you still hear me?
Grab my hand.
Yes, yes, this filthy hand.
Grab it.
Can you feel the wrinkles and the lies.
There are so many lies.
But I don’t know if they are mine.
Do not make my mistakes.
Do not make them.
Can you still dream?
Good.
Do not dream too deeply, do not believe with your heart.
I am becoming cynical.
I’m becoming cynical.
Hold my heart.
Yes, it is mine.
But it hurts too much, it burns too much, can you keep it safe for me?
That’s all I ask.
I’ve done such a wretched job with it so far.
All people have ever wanted to do is release.
Do not pent up to me, Savv.
Hold it.
Can you feel it beating?
It pulses slightly.
That slow pounding makes me happy.
As if that warmth and movement, even in my own freezing hands, can warm me up.
It should not be beating.
It should be dead.
Will you hurt me too?
All I ever do is hurt me.
I’m sorry.
I wish I wouldn’t to all of you who are here with me.
I wish I wouldn’t.
But it just happens.
I need you to take my heart, Savanna.
If you can’t take it. SHOOT it, okay?
I’im breaking inside. It won’t stop. It will never stop.
Just hold, hold, hold it.
I am breaking, breaking, breaking still. Everything feels as if it’s cracking and dissolving.
I can’t stop it.
I won’t lie.
I won’t lie.
Kill me,--.
Kill me, now.
Okay?
Please.
Just do it.
Nike.
Just kill me now, please?
I’m not joking.
I want to be dead, please.
Good-bye.
Cynical, cynical.
You will not see this.
Hah! You won’t.
You won’t, you won’t, you won’t, and I will caper madly about to that tune.
Closed, closed. I am closed.
It is done.
Closed, closed, closed.
Hahahahahaaaaaaaaa, closed, closed, closed. I am cloooooosed.
You goobers fooled me into believing I could be this way towards you, BUT NO more.
I am done and finished with it.
Go boil your heads and scream at me.
No, it probably won’t last.
But at least for this moment, I am owned by myself.
So selfish.
Yes, somewhere there is love, I think, but not now.
Hahahaha, closed, closed, closed.
Shoot me. J
Shoot me and dance on my corpse.
I will laugh.
Ridiculous world.
Caper upon my bones and I will laugh at you all.
I will laugh at your lies and bungling and two-faced presentation
I will laugh.
Shoot me. J shoot me. J shoot me.J
Slaughter me, and spread my remains across the dead grass, so that people stare in mortification.
Destroy me.
There is nothing in me to destroy.
Killing my outside will do nothing.
I will laugh at your horrid and pointless efforts to tear me apart.
Hahaha, shoot me, you idiots.
Shoot me and scream your triumph to the worlds.
Will laugh, and laugh, and laugh.
You dumb idiots.
Idiots, idoits, idiots.
Shoot me.
And don’t be fools.
I have not intention of hurting anyone.
Nor will I hurt anyone ever.
It has been always my effort to bring joy to people’s hearts.
But I only bring disaster,
And my heart is broken and torn.
No, not broken by romantuic drivvle.
No, by the steady refusal and rebuttal.
By the steady tormenting and lies of everyday treachery.
Do not fear me.
I will be normal tomottow or the day after.
Soon.
But for now,
Just shoot me.
I will Never harm a hair on your head,
But I don’t wish to live through the pain of today.
I know my situation is not bad at all.
I know there are many worse than mine.
Just know.
I don’t want to kill myself anymore this way.
I hurt, and you can all boil your heads.
I hurt and you can all boil your heads.
Please, please shoot me.
Please?
I will not hurt a hair on your head, and I never will.
But I am finished.
I do not believe anyone will heal me.
Do not try, YOU. You cannot in this way.
:) I have to search for someone who can.
Stop trying unless you can commit.
Until then, I will be your smiling happy ghost, that disappears compliantly into the walls when others come and dissolves into air when you are tired of me.
Happy ghost.
God.
　
YOu can. You could. But YOu can’t. don’t tease me.
　
　
Please stop lying to me. Please, please stop lying to me.
You don’t understand how gullible I am.
You don’t.
Please, please, stop lying to me.
I want to believe.
I wanted to believe.
I wanted to believe you.
Now I’m too tired.
All I want to do is go die somewhere and descend into peaceful blackness or peaceful heaven.
I Don’t want to hurt anymore.
I’m tired of hurting.
Please, YOu, leave me alone. or come to me in honesty.
Please stop tormenting me.
Please, stop tormenting me.
Please stop tormenting me.
Please stop tormenting me.
Please, no more.
I am tired and want to descend into the blackness of sleep, of coma, for a month, or a year.
Please, just do it.
Please let me alone.
Leave me alone, or be there.
Ican;t bear this anymore.
Let me die, or bring me back.
I no longer want it.
Maybe I could.
But I don’t anymore.
I don’t anymore.
Just go away,
Or STOP.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE STOP.
I can bear it no longer.
Please.