It is funny how nightmares can come to fruition, with the slightest wink of reality inside one's head. I know that sounds crazy, but I mean, when reality appears in one's head, during sleep, it most often comes as nightmares. Unfortunately.
Why can't we imagine life and reality in wonderful ways?
It seems so often that creativity strikes in the midst of tragedy.
Why does something that can ties us close emotionally only come through when the darkness has rotted us from within?
I wish we could tap into this gift of feeling in tandem with other souls more easily,
in ways that were more positive,
exquisitely, sumptuously positive.
Positively together.
Why are we so often united by tragedy, and not bliss?
Why is it that when bliss strikes, we all grow apart? Like our souls in the presence of a feast, must stuff only themselves? Why?

For instance, when loving others you have some pretty profound stages. For instance you have infatuation, where you adore someone because so far they fit into what you think they could be. then you learn differently, and more often than not, you're disappointed in the person they are. And you're disappointed that they aren't striving for this someone they could be. Why can't we first learn to see people as themselves, and then, from that lovely ledge make the leap to affection. Wouldn't it all be so much clearer? Wouldn't affection grow insanely, chaotically, but full of sincerity rather than expectations?

Alas, alack, what insanity permeates our daily lives.

H>T>B

nuts and bolts

crinkle, clinkle, clunk,

rattling inside cans

mashed with bits 

of half-cooked brain

Thank Technology: our friend

frying brain cells

wave by wave

with earnest, bright-faced cheer

Technology,

oh dear, dear friend. . . .

You might be 

Homicidal.

Wasting

Simple and sure.


I've been waiting for you
Unfortunate, I know.
Waiting is wasting
I've been wasting for you.


We had a talk.
Fortunately horrid.
I don't care.
It was enough to sever the sickly umbilical ties.


For that, I am thankful.


You are prepared,
aren't you?


I am preparing.
I will be prepared for the hailstorm that is my future.


Sometimes I feel
Like another refugee
hiding beneath the wooden slats of a decomposing wagon,
waiting for the lull in shots picketing my surroundings
to make a run for freedom
To paint the wagon red.

I like this.

Without You

By: Nellie Bard

Without you...
I am a lost soul
wadering aimlessly
in an empty abyss.

Without you...
I am swallowed
by the darkness
of solitude.

Without you...
Love and Friendship
would be strangers
in a strange land to me.

Without you...
my heart
is hollow.

Without you...
no smile would
form on my lips.

Without you...
I only know
pain and sorrow.

Without you...
I am
hopelessly lost.

Without you...
I am not complete.

I know somewhere in my heart all the time that you are unhealthy for me, that you break me, but I can't let go of you. You're always there to pick me up when I ask you for help. You're always there to take me in your arms and hold me until my shuddering subsides and I can breathe even if I can't feel. I don't know what I'll do without you. When you aren't around my mood falters and sinks into the shadows, and I walk through darkness, but the longer you're away the more the darkness clears, like smoke disappearing after the fire. Then, when you return the world is blindingly bright and sparkley, but I don't know if that's because you're the sunshine in my life, or you're the fire that burns brightly and smokes fiercely. I wish I knew what to do, but all I know to do is cling to you. You're the only person I can take to chase away my shadows. If only you could be there all the time, because when you're not, and half the time you aren't, i fall right back into the darkness you yank me from. I wish you understood. I wish you could pull yourself from the ravenous life you lead and give back what i give to you, but i know you won't. I'm not your brand of sweet, but you're my brand of sweet. You take me in your arms, pick me up like my father used to do when i was a child, when I wasn't so afraid of him, when he still was my protector. You cuddle me close like my mother used to when I was afraid or sad. You play with my mind and make silly faces at me like I'm your child. But you do some of those things to everyone, and you'd do most of those things to everyone if they asked, I think. I don't know. Devalued. Devalued affection and caring. But best of all those things, you aren't them. You aren't my mom, you aren't my dad, I'm not your child. That's what makes them all such lovely things: you. You make them lovely.

And I don't know how to be free of you when I love you so much I hurt, and I don't know how to be free of you when you're the only person I feel safe around. You're my only sanctuary. Sanctuary. How can I be free of you? How can I want to be free of you? Because you hurt me, because you don't love me as much, nor do you want to give as much as I've given. I will always be your half-scarecrow friend. Your emo. The little girl-woman who tags along and watches you and giggles from the shadows like a mischievous phantom imp.

I told you thr truth, like I always try to, so you know most of this, except perhaps my desire to escape you. I think you know that, too. We know each other so well that usually if even if i don't tell you things, you know them. You know that I'll be better away from here. you tell me that often. You say, "just hold on. Things will get better when you're gone from here. There will be more people like you there." You know how much you hurt me, but you won't lie to try and protect me. You know, I've told you that if you lie you'll only hurt me more.

You know not to play with me like the others. We both know that as soon as you'd lose interest, I'd snap. I'm already close to the brink of sanity, or rather insanity. And that between the beginning and my snapping i'd become so confused. Because I love you, and that love is intense. And that intensity of feeling is where my desire to touch and be touched springs from in more ways than just the obvious. Therefore in ways that are blatantly obvious. It's clear, my weakness, but we both know and agree that i can't act on it, and you wouldn't in the first place. You know how much it would hurt me, and in this case, we're strong, keeping away. You don't have a desire -- no more than you do for anyone you don't actively like -- which still means it must be some sort of stretch when I curl close -- perhaps , but I do. My strength is evident in me asking for no more than what I do. Yours is for taking and giving back in this respect no more or less than i ask for. Yours is evident in not taking advantage. That's how I know you love me. You don't take advantage.

Sometimes I just want to fall asleep curled up in the nook of your arm. It chases away the nightmares I have every night. Safe. The only place I feel safe. But right now, when I'm so tired I nearly don't care I just want you to hold my hand as I fall asleep. You're not here and you won't be here today. I know that some of the things I ask are weird, but they're sincerely felt. Sanctuary, Protector of the small, will you hold my hand until I fall asleep to chase away my demons?

I know you aren't the one because sometimes when I call your name in desperation, you don't answer.

I know you love me more as time passes, because you answer my calls more often. You save me more often. You could be doing other things, but you save me more often now.

You will be free of me, too, soon.

I love you, heart sister, no matter the hurts.

Let me just be MOmentarily obsessive.

People have the most absurd views of their own weight.

AnyWAYS. BUT ON THE SAME TOPIC.
I have just eaten the worst combination of food -- though admittedly moderate portions of all of it, and I'm still hungry. I just feel the need to voive this woe.
1/2 cup of ice cream
at least a handful of dk chocolate raisinets
a slivver-chunk of that interesting marshmallow/cake/brownie my mom made a while back
and
a bowl of noodles with some mozarella cheese with  a spoonful of the remaining chili leftovers.

HAJHAHAAHAHAHA. I think I'll jusdt top this off by eating fresh spinach.
Wait.
\Breafast: banana, orange juice, waffles
/lurrrrrnch: a tortilla, fresh spinach, leftover gummies
snacking: ruffles cheddar chips.

I just feel the need to type this somewhere, sorry.

300+150+50+60+110

670
210
80
200
130
100

2110

I'll think I'll pack up this food. Go for a run, and not eat anything for the rest of the day. Nice going.

Well, apparently i burn a bit more than this per day, so i think i just won't eat until tomorrow; don't tell anyone. . . . Now to deliver this food.

If I lived in Arizona...

Time is dwindling;
hold on as we travel down the u-bend.