I like this.

Without You

By: Nellie Bard

Without you...
I am a lost soul
wadering aimlessly
in an empty abyss.

Without you...
I am swallowed
by the darkness
of solitude.

Without you...
Love and Friendship
would be strangers
in a strange land to me.

Without you...
my heart
is hollow.

Without you...
no smile would
form on my lips.

Without you...
I only know
pain and sorrow.

Without you...
I am
hopelessly lost.

Without you...
I am not complete.

I know somewhere in my heart all the time that you are unhealthy for me, that you break me, but I can't let go of you. You're always there to pick me up when I ask you for help. You're always there to take me in your arms and hold me until my shuddering subsides and I can breathe even if I can't feel. I don't know what I'll do without you. When you aren't around my mood falters and sinks into the shadows, and I walk through darkness, but the longer you're away the more the darkness clears, like smoke disappearing after the fire. Then, when you return the world is blindingly bright and sparkley, but I don't know if that's because you're the sunshine in my life, or you're the fire that burns brightly and smokes fiercely. I wish I knew what to do, but all I know to do is cling to you. You're the only person I can take to chase away my shadows. If only you could be there all the time, because when you're not, and half the time you aren't, i fall right back into the darkness you yank me from. I wish you understood. I wish you could pull yourself from the ravenous life you lead and give back what i give to you, but i know you won't. I'm not your brand of sweet, but you're my brand of sweet. You take me in your arms, pick me up like my father used to do when i was a child, when I wasn't so afraid of him, when he still was my protector. You cuddle me close like my mother used to when I was afraid or sad. You play with my mind and make silly faces at me like I'm your child. But you do some of those things to everyone, and you'd do most of those things to everyone if they asked, I think. I don't know. Devalued. Devalued affection and caring. But best of all those things, you aren't them. You aren't my mom, you aren't my dad, I'm not your child. That's what makes them all such lovely things: you. You make them lovely.

And I don't know how to be free of you when I love you so much I hurt, and I don't know how to be free of you when you're the only person I feel safe around. You're my only sanctuary. Sanctuary. How can I be free of you? How can I want to be free of you? Because you hurt me, because you don't love me as much, nor do you want to give as much as I've given. I will always be your half-scarecrow friend. Your emo. The little girl-woman who tags along and watches you and giggles from the shadows like a mischievous phantom imp.

I told you thr truth, like I always try to, so you know most of this, except perhaps my desire to escape you. I think you know that, too. We know each other so well that usually if even if i don't tell you things, you know them. You know that I'll be better away from here. you tell me that often. You say, "just hold on. Things will get better when you're gone from here. There will be more people like you there." You know how much you hurt me, but you won't lie to try and protect me. You know, I've told you that if you lie you'll only hurt me more.

You know not to play with me like the others. We both know that as soon as you'd lose interest, I'd snap. I'm already close to the brink of sanity, or rather insanity. And that between the beginning and my snapping i'd become so confused. Because I love you, and that love is intense. And that intensity of feeling is where my desire to touch and be touched springs from in more ways than just the obvious. Therefore in ways that are blatantly obvious. It's clear, my weakness, but we both know and agree that i can't act on it, and you wouldn't in the first place. You know how much it would hurt me, and in this case, we're strong, keeping away. You don't have a desire -- no more than you do for anyone you don't actively like -- which still means it must be some sort of stretch when I curl close -- perhaps , but I do. My strength is evident in me asking for no more than what I do. Yours is for taking and giving back in this respect no more or less than i ask for. Yours is evident in not taking advantage. That's how I know you love me. You don't take advantage.

Sometimes I just want to fall asleep curled up in the nook of your arm. It chases away the nightmares I have every night. Safe. The only place I feel safe. But right now, when I'm so tired I nearly don't care I just want you to hold my hand as I fall asleep. You're not here and you won't be here today. I know that some of the things I ask are weird, but they're sincerely felt. Sanctuary, Protector of the small, will you hold my hand until I fall asleep to chase away my demons?

I know you aren't the one because sometimes when I call your name in desperation, you don't answer.

I know you love me more as time passes, because you answer my calls more often. You save me more often. You could be doing other things, but you save me more often now.

You will be free of me, too, soon.

I love you, heart sister, no matter the hurts.

Let me just be MOmentarily obsessive.

People have the most absurd views of their own weight.

AnyWAYS. BUT ON THE SAME TOPIC.
I have just eaten the worst combination of food -- though admittedly moderate portions of all of it, and I'm still hungry. I just feel the need to voive this woe.
1/2 cup of ice cream
at least a handful of dk chocolate raisinets
a slivver-chunk of that interesting marshmallow/cake/brownie my mom made a while back
and
a bowl of noodles with some mozarella cheese with  a spoonful of the remaining chili leftovers.

HAJHAHAAHAHAHA. I think I'll jusdt top this off by eating fresh spinach.
Wait.
\Breafast: banana, orange juice, waffles
/lurrrrrnch: a tortilla, fresh spinach, leftover gummies
snacking: ruffles cheddar chips.

I just feel the need to type this somewhere, sorry.

300+150+50+60+110

670
210
80
200
130
100

2110

I'll think I'll pack up this food. Go for a run, and not eat anything for the rest of the day. Nice going.

Well, apparently i burn a bit more than this per day, so i think i just won't eat until tomorrow; don't tell anyone. . . . Now to deliver this food.

If I lived in Arizona...

Time is dwindling;
hold on as we travel down the u-bend.

Not Really Poetry

Interesting the thoughts and smells that fly by -- both unmistakeable -- though I try hard to mistake them.
The sun catches my eyes and I squirm to free them.

I want to catch the dull sparkles in your hair and the bright ones in your eyes,
Like the sun tasting my eyes, but nicer and longer.

Wishful thoughts pervade my fogginess,
I asked more than one person to be my sunshine,
and one person has been there consistently,
But oh The Irony!
The one person sunning me always is eclipsing my other stars. . . .
Peace.

Became the sole light in the darkness created by bright light.

I asked to be held somewhere in the depths of my soul.
I screamed somewhere in the depths of my soul.
Sometimes I was answered.

It and I were enough, as I'm still here.

I daydreamed until the days became nights,
and then I stayed awake until the nights became days again.
I watched for the shadow -- someone standing behind me
but the dark eats shadows until they are gone and lights until they are ghosts.

Substance was the only thing left, feeling.
So I reached out blindly, in the dead of the night
and found your arm --
My heart slowed it's pounding and melted in relief --
and I traced it to your shoulder and chin until I found your cheek.
I kissed you there good night,
and then slid away, into my darkness
whispering words I was afraid to say.
But I said them anyways, louder and louder,
until you heard them and turned my way,
and then with a funny, quirky smile,
you said them back and turned away.

Mirrors and glass around me now,
the dark is driving home tonight,
but now I'm chasing shadows,
and still they're chasing me.

When the world was darkness,
I would take your hand.
When the world was darkness,
I could take your hand.
Now the lights are on again,
and I'm afraid it's time,
that I, That I become the one,
the one to say good-bye,
and you the one to wait
for
me
to
return.

Always I'll be there
like the sun peeking above the horizon,
but i don't expect you to ever know
whether it's a good morning or good night.

Good-bye, Sunshine.
Good-bye, Night.
Here is where I'll sleep tonight.

Following your footsteps but at my own unsteady rhythm.
I don't believe we've met, stranger --
Stranger I've spent years with, or rather
We're just meeting for the first time.
Eyes, eyes, eyes, swallowing eyes.
But I want to be swallowed.
I've asked before to be swallowed and dissolved,
but all that's come of it is near suffocation without oblivion.
Ignore the signs:
It's what I do best.
Ignore the signs of an awry wish granted crookedly.
The awry wish to cease to exist leaves one with nothing but tearing threads.
Tearing threads, a gap where the needle lay before and a spool unspun.

Curl Up and Die

Candide Make Our Garden Grow: Bernstein Hadley Anderson

-SIGH- <3 but find a better recording of this. . . .

Also,

I'm sick of feeling heavier, less healthy and slothful. I am going to fix my diet Again and restart exercising regularly. I hate feeling like a lump of congealing fat, flesh and diminishing muscle.

Heart, not soul I suppose.

A promise not given lightly has held deceptively well through my rampages. It is a promise kept.

Before too much

What if it's a lie.
What if it's all a lie.
You.
You and I.
It's not the same
as she and I 
and all I feel around you
is calm, content and bored.
Maybe not bored,
but waiting
For you to leave
so that I can sleep again

All I seem to want to do is sleep.

I feel like I just psychoanalyze 
turn my insides out
trying to find something wrong when maybe it's all right.
what if you and i is fine
and she and I is quite sublime
but overall it's all around the line of 
acceptability

What if everything's all right?

Close my eyes
Hold my hand
pull me close

Don't let go
I'll drown;
please don't

Kiss me hard
once, twice
pilfer my lily-white ignorance

Plaster yourself around me
like childhood games
be the tortilla
like the blanket
around my filling
me

Now
Wait
for
that
HeartBeat
double thud
Racing pulse
shivering through 
cold blue veins
Once, twice, again, again
Watch them blossom inside
blue seeds running into purple buds
they blossom into red roses
roses
roses on my skin
bursting into blood-red bloom
Heartbeats thrust them onward
roses blooming on my skin
Sway and melt and drip onto the floor
they don't touch your skin,
you're gone now
they touch the floor
where i was
where you've been

Drowning farther
inside the past
drifting onward
hope is glass

A shard of glass for you my friend
a delicate piece of a heart
hold out your hands
i'll place it there
do anything to keep it whole

But those hands were shadows
so we learned
shadows and knives
the stuff of lies

lies.
all lies.

One deep lie hidden in plain sight
Lie, lie, lie, lie
hahahaha
Lies hidden in plain sight.
Don't wonder
do anything but wonder.
Look, here, I'll distract you
One pretty flower
three little jigs
one crooked smile
a plan for the masses
little thoughts
silly thoughts
harmless thoughts
careless thoughts
dreams?
what dreams?
No dreams, of course.
Look, here's my hand
and here's my nose
and here're my lips
and here're my eyes
Take them with you when I die.
Really?
It's working?
I'd never guess it was this easy!
and here're my thighs
and here's my ear
and there's my hair.
Still don't know.
Ignorance.
No,
doubt.
Doubt I can work with
or -- at least the devils and demons within can use
to pull and torment the machine.

Perhaps we all feel like we're going to die
ripping apart
tearing apart
drying inside as the mirth leaks out and we find ourselves alone,
so much that no memory will surface
no spirit condense
nothing to console
empty words float past our ears
empty as our hearts
so then, are they very full?

how can you be filled by something so plastic?
why do you like it?
Plastic all plastic?

I wanted to laugh.
Describe.
Describe perfection.
And still a little lie I lied.
Clearly I should be a guy.
Because the opportunity is perfect.
At the least, I can be so cheered to know
it's not all been in vain.
You know the right of it.
Finally.
I've shown you what would be worthwhile,
truly worth it,
and if you've realized that
and follow that
everything will be fine
because you'll Know
who will love you in this world.
You know now perhaps.
Please use it,
you know they'll love you.

It's true that nothing in this world is perfect,
but perfection is not lacking flaws
but a combination of perfect imperfections.
Find your perfect imperfection.

I don't know what they'll say
Who will say
i knew all along?
Who will say
WHAT???
Who will wonder pensively
if they'd had a shot at me.
I don't believe it
anything
nothing really matters
it seems

Close my eyes
Hold my hand
pull me close

Don't let go
I'll drown;
please don't

Kiss me hard
once, twice
pilfer my lily-white ignorance

I want to forget it all.
I know I'll find you
Sir I've Left
in the place where I am headed
I expect you'll be there now.
Drown me.
But not inside myself for once.
Pull me into your skin and 
in your blood
warm from pounding
purple from breathing
let me drown.
Help me forget.
Let me drown.

Tell me, Mr. Mrs. Muse.
Tell me.
I know you want me to dream.
You want me to dream my dreams
and foul dreams
You want to torture me with what I don't have, and can't have.
Well, may the bloody sky bloody drench you, Mr.Mrs.Muse.
That's all I have to say about you.
Oh yes, and I hate you.
I hate your smile and your gghastly nails that shred me apart when I only desire to stay together for those who care about me.
I am cared about.
Do you hear, o foul one?
They Care about me!
Stuff that down your dark, strangled throat.
Cram that into that deranged mind of your devilishness.
I BLOODY WELL DON'T CARE.

If the answer were a kiss,
always a kiss
I would have kissed over a hundred times already:
If kisses could cure tears
and hurts
and betrayal
and loss
and shame
and despair
I would kiss until my lips felt numb.
I would kiss them all.
All of them.
If kisses could heal. . . .

I would kiss you all
just to watch the pain lines vanish.
All I want is for your pain to leave.
please.
let me smooth the lines.
I -- can't bear your pain.
Let me take it,
let me break it into a thousand shards --
they'll turn to butterflies and fly away,
you'll see.

It's all i've wanted.
Let me take away your pain.
Let me take it away.
I can't bear to watch you hurt.
Please.

I f it makes you happy I don't care if you leave forever --
just -- be happy.
Leave your pain behind.
I'll turn it into butterflies.

Too much to say.
I don't want to speak.
I've never wanted to speak,
but what can I do with what I know?
Important.
IMPORTANT.
The word screeches through my mind,
scraping through tissue till blood falls in ringlets when i'm silent.
Important, it screeches.
Share.
SHARE.
What use is this knowledge if it's not shared,
and those who would've benefitted from knowing!
You've hurt them.
Speak or torture.
My fault, mine.
I'll speak.
Listen.

Open, my heart cries,
and I beat at your doors with raw fists.
Open, please.
You don't know what you do.
Live, please, live.
Open your doors.
Let me in, open them and you'll see these doors should have been opened long ago.
See the world,
it's colors.
They're flashing by you,
and you can't see
because you've barricaded yourself in here.
Open and feel.
I'll call you; follow.
One name, two names.
Follow the sound of my voice through your darkness.
Follow the sound.

Please.
I can't bear to watch you stumble.

If i could. . . .
take away my eyes.
I'd feel my way through the world.
I'd touch your faces and smile to know you were there.
I'd play the piano with ears and fingers
feeling the way,
like I've always done.
I know you'll be the best lover, better than any I'll have.
Music, twisting me this way and that,
contorting yourself into a perfect harmony of my sin and salvation.
Wrapping around me in the perfect embrace.
When the shadows come, I know that a frolic across the keys
a fragrance a snatch of melody can light the way.
I follow it back to you.
All the time.
Little do you know,
that's what has kept me sane.
When I can't scream, the music screams for me,
and when the music can't scream,
I scream for it.
You'll hear me,
bestial and lost --
tuneless and clawing
in nights when there's nothing but silence.
When the music has lost it's voice, and
I've found mine.
Other nights you'll hear the music.
It soars and screeches and sings.
In and out weaving.
Thoughts.
Feelings.
Despair.
And Hope.
Where were you? It wails in discordnant clusters
and crush chords.
It laughs bitterly in mournful g minor.
Where were you?
Then sunshine floods back in.
We can't stand the darkness.
C major.
A minor.
F major.
G major.
C major.

C-E-G-B.

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right.
I hope you have the time of your life."

Here I am.
Where are you?
The rain is drenching my shoes,
but not my hair,
because today I remembered my umbrella.
I'll wait in the rain
long after my nose begins to sniffle
long past when my cheeks flush red with the cold,
and if you take too long
I'll pray that death come swiftly with the next passing headlamps,
because i'll have lost faith that you'll return.