I know somewhere in my heart all the time that you are unhealthy for me, that you break me, but I can't let go of you. You're always there to pick me up when I ask you for help. You're always there to take me in your arms and hold me until my shuddering subsides and I can breathe even if I can't feel. I don't know what I'll do without you. When you aren't around my mood falters and sinks into the shadows, and I walk through darkness, but the longer you're away the more the darkness clears, like smoke disappearing after the fire. Then, when you return the world is blindingly bright and sparkley, but I don't know if that's because you're the sunshine in my life, or you're the fire that burns brightly and smokes fiercely. I wish I knew what to do, but all I know to do is cling to you. You're the only person I can take to chase away my shadows. If only you could be there all the time, because when you're not, and half the time you aren't, i fall right back into the darkness you yank me from. I wish you understood. I wish you could pull yourself from the ravenous life you lead and give back what i give to you, but i know you won't. I'm not your brand of sweet, but you're my brand of sweet. You take me in your arms, pick me up like my father used to do when i was a child, when I wasn't so afraid of him, when he still was my protector. You cuddle me close like my mother used to when I was afraid or sad. You play with my mind and make silly faces at me like I'm your child. But you do some of those things to everyone, and you'd do most of those things to everyone if they asked, I think. I don't know. Devalued. Devalued affection and caring. But best of all those things, you aren't them. You aren't my mom, you aren't my dad, I'm not your child. That's what makes them all such lovely things: you. You make them lovely.

And I don't know how to be free of you when I love you so much I hurt, and I don't know how to be free of you when you're the only person I feel safe around. You're my only sanctuary. Sanctuary. How can I be free of you? How can I want to be free of you? Because you hurt me, because you don't love me as much, nor do you want to give as much as I've given. I will always be your half-scarecrow friend. Your emo. The little girl-woman who tags along and watches you and giggles from the shadows like a mischievous phantom imp.

I told you thr truth, like I always try to, so you know most of this, except perhaps my desire to escape you. I think you know that, too. We know each other so well that usually if even if i don't tell you things, you know them. You know that I'll be better away from here. you tell me that often. You say, "just hold on. Things will get better when you're gone from here. There will be more people like you there." You know how much you hurt me, but you won't lie to try and protect me. You know, I've told you that if you lie you'll only hurt me more.

You know not to play with me like the others. We both know that as soon as you'd lose interest, I'd snap. I'm already close to the brink of sanity, or rather insanity. And that between the beginning and my snapping i'd become so confused. Because I love you, and that love is intense. And that intensity of feeling is where my desire to touch and be touched springs from in more ways than just the obvious. Therefore in ways that are blatantly obvious. It's clear, my weakness, but we both know and agree that i can't act on it, and you wouldn't in the first place. You know how much it would hurt me, and in this case, we're strong, keeping away. You don't have a desire -- no more than you do for anyone you don't actively like -- which still means it must be some sort of stretch when I curl close -- perhaps , but I do. My strength is evident in me asking for no more than what I do. Yours is for taking and giving back in this respect no more or less than i ask for. Yours is evident in not taking advantage. That's how I know you love me. You don't take advantage.

Sometimes I just want to fall asleep curled up in the nook of your arm. It chases away the nightmares I have every night. Safe. The only place I feel safe. But right now, when I'm so tired I nearly don't care I just want you to hold my hand as I fall asleep. You're not here and you won't be here today. I know that some of the things I ask are weird, but they're sincerely felt. Sanctuary, Protector of the small, will you hold my hand until I fall asleep to chase away my demons?

I know you aren't the one because sometimes when I call your name in desperation, you don't answer.

I know you love me more as time passes, because you answer my calls more often. You save me more often. You could be doing other things, but you save me more often now.

You will be free of me, too, soon.

I love you, heart sister, no matter the hurts.